Alternate Slogans

Today we thought it would be fun to come up with alternate slogans for different companies, products, or organizations and then have you all see if you can come up with something better. See if you can come up with other alternate slogans for any of the entities that we’ve posted or feel free to add new ones. Can’t wait to see what everyone comes up with!

Fox News: Reassuring rednecks that they're not as dumb as everyone else thinks they are.

Fox News: Short, shriveled, and always to the right.

Taco Bell: Make a run for the bathroom.

Taco Bell: Made from 100% penguin regurgitation.

Subway: Eat Less.

Yahoo!: Not quite Google, but certainly not Bing

Facebook: We own you.

Berkshire Hathaway: You cant afford us... no really, you cant.

Beef: It’s what used to be for dinner before the economy tanked.

The Guest House St. Anthony: We're not that kind of hotel anymore.

Bear Sterns: It beats gambling.

M&M's: They only melt slightly faster in your mouth than in your hand.

The Department of Motor Vehicles: Your balls are in our hands.

The Department of Motor Vehicles: Communication is not our strong suit.

Harrah’s Casino: You bet your ass.

The United States Air Force: The sky is the limit… literally.

The Federal Reserve: Trust us. We're economists… come oooooon.

The Federal Reserve: Helping government help banks help other banks that help corporations help investment firms securitize your mortgage to make a profit on your money.

Mastercard: There are some things that money can't buy, but with Mastercard you can run up enough debt to get you close.

D & L Cleaners: There's a reason you haven't heard of us.

TMZ: Like MSNBC, but for grown ups.

Baby Ruth: Everyone’s favorite joke.

Coca-cola classic: Ironically better in Mexico.

NASCAR: We cut break lines to boost our ratings.

NASCAR: Come waste your Sunday with us.

Picketts Bambinos: Try every flavor of our meat filled donuts.

Cafe Rio: Utah and Idaho's sick idea of Mexican food.

Costa Vida: Terrible. Especially considering the price.

McDonalds: We'll see ya when the mcrib comes back.

The US Postal Service: Email for the elderly.

MTV: Our commercials are full of music!

MTV: Selling out is what we do best.

The History Channel: We'd change our name to "Ignorant Modern Day American Current Events" but we already made all these stickers with the old logo.

The History Channel: What's past is past, for now ICE ROAD TRUCKERS, WOOOO!


Written by Jack and Luke Thomas

Bear Union On Strike In Bear World

BREAKING NEWS-

Rigby, ID

Reports are in that the International Union of Showbiz Bears (IUSB) has indefinitely gone on strike in Bear World, citing claims of unfair work wages, breach of bear contract, and mass discrimination in the work place. The Idaho Beet caught up with some bear picketers outside the Rigby compound to ask a few questions and hopefully, receive a few answers.

“Our demands are simple. Just treat us like bear beings ya know? It’s not easy being cooped up all winter and then coming out of hibearnation, and folks want to pet us, and honk at us, and taunt us… It’s just more than we can bear!” said Kody, a six-year-old brown bear local.

The IUSB is also charging Bear World for harassment and discrimination in the work place. One angry bear commented on the issue but wished that we keep his or her identity anonymous; “Look! Just because I’m bear-sexual doesn’t mean I can’t entertain families. Ever since they found out about my sexual orientation they’ve kept me away from large crowds, like they’re embearassed of me.”

Bear union members assert that prices have been rising constantly but wages have not. “It’s getting tough to feed the cubs these days. Gas prices are soaring, food prices are through the cave, and they still pay us a bear bones salary of nuts and berries. You’d think they would at least give us the occasional picanic basket. But no! Now they even discourage visitors from bringing food in! As of now, we’re just getting paid the bear necessities to survive,” said Steve, a former resident of Yellowstone.

President Winnie P. Bear, head of the International Bear Union had this to say on the strike: “We won’t stop until Bear World sweetens the honey pot just a smidgeroo.”

Bear world is still keeping silent about the effective strike, letting its attorneys handle the situation for now.

Legislators One Step Closer to Controlling Weather Through Public Policy

Idaho lawmakers passed a new law today, which outlaws the prayers and/or supplications of any kind for more moisture. Under immense pressure from the general public, the state congress passed the bill with an eighty percent majority vote. It was hailed by Idaho Republicans as a shining example of what communities could accomplish in times of need, while house Democrats were torn between being angry that such a civil liberty could be stifled, but glad to see God taken out of the weather which, as of last year, is under state control in order to stabilize the green energy movement.

“It was just getting to be too wet,” according to Marideth Ray, a Boise resident. “Enough’s enough. The farmers prayed for their precious moisture, it snowed all winter, rained all spring, and now those whiners have gotten themselves into a real pickle if you ask me. It’s as though people in Idaho mindlessly pray for moisture whether we need it or not.”

Also in attendance at the law’s passing were some angry tea partiers. Phil Douglas, a local bartender and war vet, marched on Idaho’s capital with chants of “Bring the pain! Make it rain!” He was joined for a short time by local youth until the youth discovered that Mr. Douglas was picketing for the freedom of religion and not to convince congress to bring rap superstar T-pain to Idaho in order to “make it rain.”

The document, signed today by Idaho State Governor Butch Otter, is 300 pages long and bans all forms of supplication to all forms of deity, the only exception being that followers of The New Church of Garth Brooks are exempt from the ban with the stipulation that one of their main tenants remain that “some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.”

Aeropostale Running Out of Ways to Write "Aeropostale" on T-shirts

In what has been declared a crisis in the suburban-mall-fashion world, clothing manufacturer Aeropostale announced Monday that it is running out of ways to sell the same T-shirt to unsuspecting adolescents.  "We've tried stitched horizontal, stitched vertical, printed, printed with numbers, cursive... we're about all out of ideas," said Beverly House, Senior Vice President of Design for Aeropostale.  "Of course, our big breakthrough was putting the number 87 on our shirts.  That began to wear off so we began to branch out and take a piece of the surf t-shirt market.  Now that that market is over saturated we've been putting design ideas through focus groups with varying results.  Some experimental designs that have done well in the focus groups have been shirts with the number 89 on them and also one's that just say 'Aero' instead of Aeropostale."  The suburban-mall clothing industry is a closely competitive business world where each firm struggles to differentiate themselves from other producers of virtually identical goods.  It is the general consensus among insiders that all of the good logos and themes have been taken, i.e. the moose, seagull, eagle, or varying takes on camels.  The most effective way to stand out is moving more towards the numbers side of the business.  "We've all played the numbers game," said a high level designer for Abercrombie and Fitch who commented on a condition of anonymity, "and if you've been in this game for very long, you know you can't just keep putting the number 87 on every shirt.  See, sometimes I like to put an 85, or a 90, or hell, even a 1992 on a shirt.  In 2002 I revolutionized the industry by assigning dates to contests that never happened and then putting them on shirts: "Surf Fest 1990", "Downhill Champions 1983", etc. and that's what you've got to do, think outside the number box."  It has been rumored in the fashion blogosphere that Abercrombie will begin putting irrational numbers on their shirts beginning summer 2012.  Other clothing stores have contracted consultants to help in their design programs.  American Eagle has hired Ricky McDaniels, the original designer of the truckstop wolf t-shirt as an outside consultant.  A.E. hopes to launch it's new clothing line under Mr. McDaniels within the year which will supposedly incorporate Indians with the American Eagle logo as well as eagles howling at the moon.